A Relationship Coach Unpacks 5 of the Biggest Dating Misconceptions

Don’t text them back right away. Love will come when you least expect it. There are plenty of fish in the sea. Once a cheater, always a cheater. When you know, you know... the list goes on and on. In our attempts to demystify love’s complicated nature, we've probably come across one of these many clichés or generalizations.

Yes, dating can be super confusing (insert: why people turn to relationship coaches). But why do we lean on restrictive phrases that box us in rather than helping us understand what’s really going on? Not useful. So, let’s clear things up—here are some of the biggest dating misconceptions debunked, to help you navigate your journey through love with a fresh perspective. 

Misconception 1: Love Is All You Need

The Beatles once crooned, “All you need is love” mainlining this iconic phrase straight into the zeitgeist. We all fantasize about a fairy-tale story where love fixes everything. The truth? Love isn’t always enough to make a relationship work. As a romcom lover who roots for impossible against-all-odds love stories, it *pains* me to admit this. 

You might be with someone you consider your soulmate, that one person who understands you and you feel like you’ve known them forever. But when something fundamentally important is off, like they’re at a different stage of their life or don’t share aligned visions for the future, these are clear signs they might not be the right fit. Sure, every partner will have baggage, but the right relationship won’t be filled with constant challenges and tests. 

This type of relationship can be a potential problem when we ignore reality and use chemistry as proof it can last. When we start to push, sacrifice, and overly compromise what truly matters to us to make the relationship work, love can start to feel like a series of concessions. The relationship might seem forced as you both try to fit into roles that aren’t authentic to who you are. The person you fought so hard for might end up being a reminder of what you gave up, instead of that amazing connection you once had. 

Misconception 2: People Change For Love

“If you really loved me, you’d [fill in the blank with any reason you think they should change!]”

Ever found yourself silently hoping that your love would magically fix your partner’s flaws or inspire them to change? I get it! I’ve wasted many hours silently seething at past partners for their lack of punctuality or inability to manage a house, wishing they could just be responsible which would make me more attracted to them. It’s a common but misguided myth to believe that love alone can make someone change.

It’s so tempting to think if we could just fix that one *tiny* little thing about them that bothers us, everything would be perfect. But this thinking can easily veer into not accepting them for who they are and judging them based on who they could be… aka wanting them for their potential rather than their present self. You can challenge your partner to be better, but change comes from within not through external demands. 

When expectations turn into pressure, the critical energy can rapidly shift into tension, disappointment, and resentment. At the end of the day, we’re all just flawed humans on a spinning rock hurtling through space, trying our best. Relationships where both partners naturally accept and respect the other can be the most radical, healing safe space we can feel. Ironically, experiencing that safeness can inspire profound transformation. But we can’t force it. 

Misconception 3: Breakups Are Unexpected

“I was totally blindsided! The breakup came out of nowhere, I didn’t see it coming.”

Here’s the deal: breakups are rarely unexpected. When someone decides to end a relationship, there’s usually a reason why–and often, a trail of signs and underlying issues that have been building up over time. These problems seem minor at first; not having a lot in common, barely sharing your day-to-day with your partner, or clashing over finances–but when these issues go unresolved, they can manifest into major dealbreakers that debilitate the connection.  

Research from the Gottman Institute backs this up. In one of their most renowned studies, researchers watched thousands of couples argue in a lab and were able to predict divorces with up to 94% accuracy by observing the four horsemen of the apocalypse in their conversations; criticism, stonewalling, contempt, and criticism. 

By the time these negative communication patterns emerge, the problems are usually not limited to a single problem but several interconnected issues affecting the relationship. People may be surprised by a breakup but in hindsight, realize the gradual signs that were there all along.

Misconception 4: Every Breakup Has A Good Guy And A Bad Guy 

This is not the most popular opinion, but hear me out. I think the whole “good guy” versus “bad guy” narrative is oversimplified. I used to tell all of my friends their exes were toxic jerks who didn’t deserve them in an attempt at sisterhood, yet I can see how this youthful thinking then didn’t help my friends during their breakup. When we cast our exes as villains, it doesn’t give us room to take accountability and reflect on why we were attracted to them in the first place.

I tell all of my clients that the partner we choose is a mirror of our self-love, self-worth, and how we believe we deserve to be treated. When we can bravely examine our dating choices, we gain the agency to own our part in what happened. 

Misconception 5: When You Lose The Spark, The Relationship Is Over 

My partner has 50/50 custody of his two young kids, and having our little family has been one of the most rewarding parts of our relationship. But as someone without kids of my own, I’ve discovered how having kids can change up the romantic vibe. His kids are still grossed out by kissing, so even though we’re handsy when it’s just us two, we chill out the PDA around them.  

Coupled this with collapsing into bed exhausted after a long week of parenting, the sparks may dim which makes it easy to assume the relationship is in a rough patch. But that’s not the truth. Relationships change over time, and it’s normal–expected even!–for the butterflies to mellow out. The good news is you can keep the spark alive through humor, effort, new experiences, and planned dates. I’ve learned cultivating these practices re-ignite passion in a relationship, while increasing commitment, trust, and emotional intimacy. 

So, when the spark temporarily fades, don’t panic. It’s all part of the journey. Focus on taking care of the relationship and embracing its unwieldy nature. In the process, the connection can become something even more meaningful.

Keep in Mind

Dating myths have an appeal thanks to their ability to point out simple truths. But relationships are complex and nuanced. Every couple is unique and dating is a dynamic dance of highs and lows. Approaching your relationship with perspective, care, introspection, and acceptance can help you take your connection to new levels.